


KINTSUGI

by Hana_Midori



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-01 00:26:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14508474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hana_Midori/pseuds/Hana_Midori
Summary: Gintoki and Tsuky are finally getting married, but certain monkey is through her own mourning process with the help of an old friend of hers.





	1. Chapter 1

Soon, it will be dark. In another time in what now seems like a complete life ago, these streets used to be full of street vendors, cocky daimyos and good for nothing officers. At a corner over there you could get fried eels and two posts beyond that, you could buy a good sake. Today the only thing left are ruins waiting patiently for its demolition.

Everything that could be broken is already broken, everything that could be looted is already looted. I guess it makes sense that she chose to come here.

"I'm not going to kill myself, Boss. It was not necessary for you to come here. "

Ayame Sarutobi's voice sounds raspy on the other side of the door. The echo of the place is surely accentuating her ragged breathing as well as it accentuates the cracking of this rotten platform beneath my feet. I'm going to charge the Yorozuya the full rate for this favor.

"I know. I just thought you could use a little company. Sarutobi "

"He told you to come. Did he?"

As if the ground was not insecure enough here I am walking on slippery ground. Anything I say now can only make things worse. If I tell her that it was he who sent me, she will believe that he is worried sick about her. And he is. He's a decent guy, you know. He’s just not worried sick in the way she wanted him to care about her. To be the messenger certainly sucks.

"Look, I just want to know you're fine, Sarutobi. It's not exactly a secret that today can be a not so good day with the Yorozuya and Tsukuyo getting married. "

I wait.

And I wait, but she does not answer anything. Not a cricket sounds on the other side of the door and I'm good at listening to this kind of thing. I can know with certainty for example that her body is still resting near the door and that she is also attentive to my movements.

"Can you open the door? Please?"

What I call a door is just a piece of wood hanging at one end of a wall with more holes than a Swiss cheese. I wait a bit longer and just when I'm about to speak again and make it an order, she opens the door. Just enough to let me see her nose swollen and red, her pale complexion, her eyes blackened by dark circles and white lashes. It takes me a moment to realize that the latter is neither makeup nor dust but the salt of her tears solidified at the tips. She is wearing an amanto wedding dress that matches the ruins of this building, it is dirty, torn and you have to have too much imagination to believe that someone actually chose to design such horrendous thing.

"I was getting ready to go to the wedding with this dress to humiliate myself and to make everyone laugh at my expenses ... but ..."

"Really, you look like shit."

Shit. I said that out loud and from having that helpless kitten expression now Sarutobi looks at me as if I were the stupidest and most insensitive man in the world. Which she might have a point or two, but that's it, kitty. Let us keep this mood. Anger is much more useful than despair.

She is so offended that she even takes a couple of steps back and crosses her arms in front of her breasts. Accentuating the amount of skin exposed above her bra. The wedding dress she is wearing is a rag, but the corset with garter belt that she has underneath is a piece that you would only see in a fine courtesan of Yoshiwara. I think It is better if I don’t comment on the Yoshiwara fact.

"I'll be fine. I do not need a nanny. I'm not planning to ruin the reception or hurt myself. "

"Do you realize it's the second time you've assured me you're not thinking about hurting yourself?"

Her gaze drifts to one side and then to the ground. I push the piece of door a little more to see inside the place. As you can guess, the place is not better inside than outside, it is a one room apartment with a stove in one corner for kitchen and a bucket in the other for bathroom. The place is a disaster, there are feathers, dust, nuts and pieces of what was once her cellphone everywhere, bottles of detergents, alcohol and fuel without uncovering but that is not the worst part of it. At the center of the room there is a pile of rickety chairs upon an old desk. An improvised staircase to reach the only strong beam of the roof from which a rope hangs down and from which hangs a broken pillow with the familiar face of Sakata Gintoki. Bloody hell! that pillow certainly had a nasty execution.

"It's not what it looks like," she says with a hand covering part of her mouth. I had not seen that expression on her face since the day we surprised my father with the wife of one of the daimyos while trying to steal the third year exams.

I was wondering about here weapons when I noticed that something prevented the complete opening of the door. Each and every one of Sarutobi's weapons were stuck on a poster-sized photo of the Yorozuya.

I had to smile. She's insanely right as always and I can see that too.

I walk towards the bottles of alcohol, everything is cheap liquor, I take the bottle of the only brand that seems to me moderately acceptable, I uncover it, I take a sip and I extend the bottle. It is neither the time nor the place to be demanding with the quality of the liquor or with the possibility of having some clean glasses in which to serve it. She studies me with attention and distrust, but finally accepts the bottle and takes a drink. And frowns a lot. To make that face is a good omen. She’s not so drunk as to have lost the taste of it.

"This is terrible, how can you drink this?" She says, handing me back the bottle. It's even better, that was her first drink of the night.

"Well, to tell you the truth Sarutobi. I would only drink it if I wanted to end my existence," I say placing the bottle on the floor. It’s too bad to drink a second drink of it.

"Or if you were trying to be kind to ... to a pathetic suicidal woman?"

"This is not a suicide in progress Sarutobi" I know it is not, because for once I know this woman far better than the Yorozuya will ever do.

She places both hands upon her hips before asking me "How can you be so sure?"

And the answer is right in front of me. It’s just because of the expression of defiance that I can see in her eyes. That’s how I can be sure. It does not matter how swollen her eyes are or how many tears they have shed. It does not matter how vulnerable you can think she is for showing and expressing her feelings . They are not the eyes of a defeated woman, but the eyes of one who continues to fight even if the monster she has to tame is her own feelings. She is like this building in ruins, you can see it broken and looted, believe that it will collapse at any moment, but if you really want to see it fall you will have to bring the whole demolition team to do the job.

I approach her. I'm taller and she's barefoot. "We are professional killers Sarutobi. Look at this place, there's nothing professional here. Even the hanging knot is ... a joke compared to your abilities. "

"You also think that what I feel for him is nothing more than the whim of a pathetic and unbalanced woman incapable of feeling anything sincere and that's why no one can ever reciprocate my feelings."

She says it screaming at my face, she's so angry as to raise her hands and to try to hit me in the chest, but I capture her wrists before she can do any damage. She looks at her hands and my hands, I can see that she is more surprised by her initial movement than by the fact that I stopped her.

"Sarutobi. I'm not here to question anyone's feelings, "I say, using a soft and soothing tone.

She lets go of my grip and turns her back on me. Taking the bottle from the floor she drinks another drink, one much more longer than the last one. She no longer cares about its bitter taste. "When you knocked on the door, for a moment there I thought you could be him," she says as she sits on the edge of the old desk in the middle of the room "That something had happened, that he had changed his mind, that he had noticed how much I meant to him. Isn’t it incredibly stupid to wait for such kind of miracles? Is it not incredibly stupid to keep waiting when there has never been any hope to hope for? "

I do not know what to say to that, I do not even know why I'm here. I just know that I do not think I'm the right person to hear her talk about the Yorozuya.

"Sakata asked me to find you ..."

Two fresh tears roll down her cheeks and fall to the ground. "He will not come," she murmurs as she squeezes her eyes shut to keep more tears from escaping them. "He's really not going to come," she says out loud in a choked voice, but it's not a phrase said for my ears.

I curse Sakata. Hell If I could hit the Yorozuya at this bloody time I’ll do it gladly. No one should be able to inspire the kind of faith that she has into him. This time it’s me the one taking a double sip of the bottle.

"He does not love me. It's not big news, but when I say it out loud it feels like a katana is being stuck through my chest. I know he does not love me, I knew it from the very beginning. I am not an easy person, but he was so kind to me and I could see he was as lonely as me, as broken like me. So I told myself that it did not matter if I still loved him even if he did not love me in the same way.  
He loved her from the moment he met her. I'm not as stupid or crazy as people think. But I also told myself that it did not matter, Tsuky was also alone and deserved to be loved. Is not love supposed to be something disinterested? Something you offer no matter how much they give you in return? I suppose that deep down I'm just a hypocrite and that I’m unable of loving him of loving them..."

"We are only human beings Sarutobi. Loving someone who does not belong to us hurts too much to continue loving them. Sooner or later we have to choose between ourselves or our love for them. "

She turns to me, her gaze feels sharp and cold. Her lips open to begin to speak, but then they close without issuing a question.

"Look, Sarutobi. I know that…"

"Why did things end between you and Waki?"

Her question takes me completely by surprise, it's definitely not what I expected to hear. Why did things end between Waki and me? "Why do not you ask instead, why did things end between you and me?"

"Are you kidding? Do you really need to ask that question? Mr I have to do everything on my own. You were the one who left without a second glance. You left the Oniwabanshu your father, your friends, your duty and me. You left us behind and went to work for the Amanto selling your skills to the highest bidder. You left us behind because you never cared about us in the first place "

“Did I leave you behind? As far as I remember nothing was tying you down. No wait. My father was doing it, right? And it wasn’t exactly against your will. It was your choice to stay with him and become his… “

“His what? His lover, his mistress, his toy, his bitch?” Sarutobi’s glance challenges me and I have to admit that I really don’t know. I knew about his tastes and when I left I heard rumours, mostly bad jokes. She obviously learned to tie knots and to play with the ropes from him, they shared the interest in the S&M world, but I’ve been afraid to know exactly how much they shared. 

“Did you? Did you have sex with my father?”

“Yes. I asked him, begged him to teach me all his tricks, but it was his idea I had to call him daddy every single time we were at it.”

“Now you’re only saying that to piss me off”

“Does it make a difference if we did it or how we did it? If it was him the one getting an erection or two or if it was me the one getting wet? If we use a toy or his fingers or his mouth or his dick. Can I be anything but a disgusting perv to your eyes?. Can he be anything but your father?”

I let her words sink in. 

“I shoulda been there for you,” it's the lame reply that comes to my lips. 

“You should, but you didn’t and it no longer matters.”

We sit on the floor and each one takes a sip of the bottle.

"It was your fault," I murmur and I can sense how all her body becomes defensive. I couldn’t pick a worst starter so I have to elaborate quickly "Do not. That part no. You asked why things ended between Waki and me. It was your fault or more or less, my fault, in fact to be honest it was her fault. Waki was the one who broke up with me, She was jealous of you or something like that, she said she did not want to be the consolation prize that she deserved much better, that kind of speech. 

Unlike you when I returned to Edo she was very kind and attentive to all my needs and that's how we got involved, I thought everything was fine we gathered the shinobi five we did a couple of very good jobs I thought we were a good team, that it could work . When I heard that you were completely involved with a friend of the Joui... you know what I did. I pretended to kidnap that thing called Elizabeth and then ... and then we had fun like in the old days. Waki had fun too, or at least I thought she had. So at one point we were laughing at the Yorozuya and his kids, at the rebels, at how ridiculous it was that you used nato to neutralize her paralyzing formula and the next, I do not know what I said, I do not know what I did but there she was ending up our relationship and saying that it would be better if we keep it professional. "

"Did you love Waki?" Again the intensity of his gaze and her question make me feel out of place. I have to remember that this woman is really good at cross-examination.

"I do not. I care about her and I want her to be fine, but I guess it's not so terrible when someone you're not in love with ends up with you. In fact, when she left, the only thing I felt was a great relief. I do not know how else to explain it, it was fun to be with her but at the same time when she left… it was one less thing I had to worry about "

"I do not know if you're a wretched or just a lucky man," she says as she leans her back against the old desk. "I thought that burning this old building with all my stupid dreams in it , that it would make me feel better, but nothing can make me feel better. The only thing I feel is this huge void in the middle of my chest sucking me completely and transforming me into a Hannya. "I can see the middle of her chest move with the intensity of her words, but there is definitely nothing there sucking those breasts. "Gintoki is in love with Tsuky. I like Tsuky, I really like her, but I can not feel happy for them. I can not feel anything but desolation and envy. Why her and not me? The devil in my chest wishes for something terrible to happen to them and to their stupid happiness and that scares me. There's only one thing I can do well Zenzou and it is to kill people. "

"Did you ever wish something bad would happen to me or to Waki?" I ask as I get a little closer to her.

Her leg leans against mine. "I replaced your hemorrhoids medication with white chocolate cream and maybe it was not an accident when a couple of her flower harvests went to waste ..."

Is she pulling my leg?  
"You really do not ..." I mean it is impossible that she could have circumvented my security system, it would take a complete knowledge of my habits and an incredible ability and that is ... completely impossible for a normal person, but there is that look of guilty in her face.

"I'm sorry ... but just a little bit" she says making an adorable gesture with her lips while lowering her gaze to my lips.

Our faces are very close, at the beginning it is just a touch in which we begin to share the same breath, her lips feel dry and taste like cheap liquor. Nothing that could not be expected, but if something is true about Sarutobi it is that she is always more than I can hope for.

One of my hands slides behind the thigh of one of her legs inviting her to get closer to me, while the other sinks into the softness of her hair. The skin on her cheeks and neck has an intoxicating salty taste.

I know there are at least half a dozen reasons to stop but I can not remember any. I did not come to take advantage of her, I’m not my father. I came to make sure that she felt better and technically we are working on that.

I can feel her hands take the shirt off my pants and I reclaim her lips, I feel the frame of her glasses on my cheeks, maybe I should remove them, maybe I should break them because what I want is to erase any trace of the Yorozuya in her . One of her legs links behind one of my legs like a snake, but our sudden movements make the stacked chairs to fall into a resounding roar. We barely are able to avoid being hit.

"I'm sorry... we"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple more of friends joins the mourning party.

"I'm sorry, we… did not intend to intrude.”

Standing next to the door were the silhouettes of two samurai, Yagyuu Kyubei and the former Demonic Vice-Commander Hijikata Toushirou both wearing formal male kimonos and each one of them holding a shopping bag in their hands. How much they had seen or heard of our conversation was uncertain, but now they were a little busy and horrified by the internal decoration of the place.

"Are those nuts?" the woman asks.

"Poisonous?" the man asks to which I nod as I got up from the floor.

Sarutobi had already stood up herself and she’s trying to fix the rag she has for a dress with her hands as if that piece of cloth might have some arrangement. "You will have to apologize my maners,” she says. “I honestly did not expect to have visitors or I would have ... chosen another place even more secluded and decadent. "

"It was us, who came without previous invitation," Yagyuu exclaims with a polite bow. "The discourtesy is all ours. I hope this present can excuse our interference, " she concludes, extending the bag she carries in her hands and gesturing for the other samurai to do the same.

Hijikata also bows a lot less formally before taking a bottle of one of the best Sakes in the area from his bag and saying. "Otae and Tsukuyo wanted to make sure you will be fine, tonight. Sarutobi"

"Sarutobi is perfectly fine," I find myself responding in a slightly more aggressive tone and posture than I expected to sound.

Sarutobi returns the bow. Her eyes have become wet again and her cheeks and ears turn to a reddish color. "Despite the shame and public humiliation of having been completely replaced by another woman and the panorama of complete suffering in the face of perpetual unrequited love. Certainly, it is not the masochistic bliss I had in mind, " she says and her voice breaks a little ", but who knows. Sometimes you have to give things time to find their real taste. "

"Do you feel well enough to share a couple of drinks with someone who was publicly replaced by a gorilla and by someone who according to the gorilla in question knows what you're going through or do you want us to leave and stop bothering you with our presence? " Yagyuu's glance has subtly pointed me in her question. I guess in the eyes of these uptight guys I'm the dude who was trying to take advantage of Sarutobi in a moment of weakness.

"So Gintoki's harem included the Demonic Vice-Commander, after all" Sarutobi says answering the tacit question of Kyuubei with a subtle I would not mind sharing a couple of drinks, I was not doing anything important.

"Oe, Oe. Who would have thought that the ninjas had a sense of humor to die for, " says Hijikata, walking past me and placing his bottle of Sake on the empty table. He takes one, two, three cups of paper, from his bag. The fourth one is a question addressed to me. A question which I respond with a slight bow of my head. No, I'm not going to leave like a delinquent.

The Yagyuu girl meanwhile withdrew her coat and was placing it in a protective gesture around Sarutobi's shoulders hugging her for a brief moment in the process. I guess I should have thought about that. The night is quite cold and a broken dress does not protect at all in a place like this where the windows do not have a glass any more.

"We should make a toast," says Hijikata placing a full cup of Sake in each of our hands.

"For the 'happy' couple?" Sarutobi asks with a marked irony in her tone of voice.

"No." Yagyuu says curtly. "For us, for which we still have no idea if we will find the person of our dreams or not."

"Let it be, for the singles," says Hijikata rising his cup. "For those who were stupid enough not to run after that special person while we had the chance."

I guess it's my turn so I'll toast for, "For those who do not believe in ideal people, or that there is something wrong with being on your own."

Sarutobi takes a deep breath before lifting her cup and saying. "Then I toast, for the singles, for the pathetic ones, for those who envy the happiness of others."

“Campai!” we all say and we drink in a full gulp. 

I have to admit the taste of this sake feels like drinking a sweet soda in comparison to the the crap we were drinking with Sarutobi and I feel very grateful for that.

I am the one who begins to lift the chairs one by one around the table, while Hijikata pulls down the pillow with Gintoki's face hanging upon the table.

"Does anyone know, how many Samurai do you need to change a light bulb?" I ask trying to lighten the mood with a joke as I sit at one end of the table.

"No idea," Yagyuu replies.

"Only one," I indicate with my hand. "They are all too efficient and lack a sense of humor."

"Really? That joke does not show that we lack a sense of humor, rather it proves that the Ninjas lack the imagination to tell jokes.” Looking how the samurai girl is now placing both arms upon her hips, I think my joke might have hurt some susceptibility.

"Yes? So how many Ninjas do you think it takes to change a light bulb? "

"Please, do not let him start with the ninja jokes," Sarutobi interferes taking a place at the table to my left.

"I want to know how that ends," says Hijikata, taking a seat to my right and starting to fill our glasses again.

"A light bulb? There was a light bulb here. I swear it! Who turn off the lights!! "

My interpretation of a terrified guy in the dark could not have been so bad because I managed to make Yagyuu laugh and she finally takes her place in front of me.

"That was not so bad. Do you have another Ninja joke to share?," asks the girl.

"Your turn, Sarutobi," I say, placing my hand upon her knee under the table.

"I've forgotten all the jokes, I've never had a memory for that," she replies, withdrawing my hand from her knee with an unnecessary and painful ‘ko gorochi’.

"Do ninjas believe in God?" I ask as if trying to remind her of the first lines of the joke.

Sarutobi just turns her eyes to the ceiling a little bit annoyed before answering in a monotonous tone "You're asking the wrong question. The correct question is Do you? "

"Please Sarutobi, that's not funny. You have to at least pretend to kill some of those who are listening to the joke, " I complain getting up off the table offended and sightly stumbling in the process with Hijikata’s chair.

"As I remember it. That routine wasn’t supposed to be funny at all," Sarutobi also gets up away from me. "Because the idea was to kill them while they thought it was a joke."

"Or distract them while they still think we're telling jokes," in complete synchrony I intend to attack Hijikata while Sarutobi intends to attack Kyuubei.

The four of us break into laughter.

My hand on Sarutobi's knee was just a distraction, when she pushed me she took a kunai from inside my coat. When I got up offended I was only looking for a excuse to push the hilt of Hijikata's weapon in the opposite direction to his grip and well, Sarutobi only needed to place herself slightly in the limit of Yagyuui's angle of vision to take her by surprise.

Oh yes! I love to hear her laugh.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning our friendly mourning party is drunk and maybe some things had been unsaid for too long

I have to admit that the view of the sunrise from this elevated floor is simply majestic. The amount of light is like another kind of mist, making everything look softer to a point where you have to start doubting your own senses. The far away mountains fading their edges with the sky. The roofs of the re-built city just a few meters away shining with pride yet, not here. I can see now why Sarutobi sleeps here. 

The four of us are still sitting at the table with much more alcohol in our systems and with much more information than what is wise.

I had no idea that Kyubei had dared to kidnap Otae to force her into marriage. I always thought she was this cute too serious samurai girl, but speaking of stubborn people. Now I can see she and Sarutobi are not so far away from each other.

And I have to admit that the story of Hijikata is quite tragic, too. It is as if trying to get away he had accelerated his worst nightmare. I can see Sarutobi has already fallen for his tragic hero aura, I can see them too sharing their eternal love for the missing beloved one. 

Call me paranoid, but I’m starting to believe that more than a casual gathering of concerned friends, it was a very well planned party of potential love interests for Sarutobi. Not that I give a damn about her next obsession. Some people are just like that, they can’t stop hurting themselves over and over again.

Sarutobi looks much more relaxed now. The sun upon her hair, the wood of the rickety frames behind her back and the way she is wrapped in Yagyuu’s cape make you wonder if she is not a survivor of a shipwreck. The storm had passed, as it always does. And against all the odds she survived, as she always does.

"Your turn, Mr. Hattori," Yagyuui tells me.

"He has no story to share just a very long and boring list of fuglies. Ugly girls worth only for one fuck. He has never fallen in love with anyone other than himself, because that would be unprofessional and Ladies and Gentlemen we are in front of the most professional man you can place your eyes on, "says Sarutobi leaning back in her chair and raising her cup in a mock towards my direction .

"You studied together and you were close to the Shogun. What is exactly what she doesn’t want you to tell?, " Hijikata asks, perhaps reading too much through Sarutobi's intentions for my liking.

"I'm not ..." she objects in a fake offended tone.

"Drink and shut up, it's going to be an interesting story," Yagyuu replies.

I have to admit that it is tempting to have the attention of everyone present. What is my story they ask, but I have to remember that’s not the real question. They are looking for the validation of their own story into mine and maybe Sarutobi is right and truthful with her answer to her friends I might not have that kind of story to share and even if I might have it. It is against all of my instincts to reveal it. Never talk too much, conceal anything important about yourself and don’t say what you really want to say. Those were the rules under which we were educated, the ones that have kept me alive until this very morning. How can she do it? Shout and expose her emotions at the sight of everyone around her, only to be rejected and judged again and again.

"Well?" Hijikata's voice reminds me that they are still waiting for a story.

What's the matter?

"What do people say when they fall in love? Yes, yes, there is the beautiful part in which you feel different, better than you have ever been, full of possibilities to be a better you, blah blah blah. An intoxicating euphoria that does not allow you to think clearly, but at the same time makes you forget that there is something to think about. Everything is beautiful, everything is better, the emptiness of our existence seems to disappear. Love is a drug they warned us or at least I know that my old man and some of the good professors of the orphanage / school for ninjas where we grew up tried to warn us. ‘It is a weapon that you must learn to use’.

Of course nobody can force anyone to fall in love with another person, so what they put in front of our lustful teenage minds was the next thing more likely to love. Sex. And they waited for us not to notice the difference.

They gave us the general guidelines of any other technique. The diagram of the levers and holes, the types of touches, postures and plays, told us about the fine line between the pleasant and the painful, the desirable and the terrifying. They told us about its effects and consequences on our opponent and upon ourselves and at the end as with all the other techniques they invited us to explore their possibilities ".

"Are you serious? They just told you to do it? "Leaning forward on the table Yagyuu asks incredulously.

"Wait a moment, elusive Ninja ... levers and holes ... are you saying that you could choose partners of the same sex?" Hijikata asks this time.

"As with any combat technique, the idea was to never get too used to a single partner. And in our line of trade you can never be sure who will be your partner for the next tango. If you know what I mean."

"So what you are saying is. You had to do it, but only for training?" Yagyuu asks.

"No. It wasn’t like that at all. You are giving them a distorted idea of our practical sessions. Yes, we had to do a lot of training, but it is called training for a reason." Sarutobi highlights the word training very strongly. "You Samurai also train deadly techniques among yourselves with your swords. It does not mean that you kill all your colleagues to make sure you are doing it right, right?. And you talked a lot about levers and holes, but you’re forgetting to mention all the cooking and the making of tea and the reading of poetry you hated so much. He passed the third year major exam playing the Shakuhachi... with poisonous darts, mostly because he was unable to play one tune right."

The faces of Hijikata and Yagyuu look at me in search of a truthful answer.

"She’s even better than anything you can picture in your dirtiest minds" I say with a grin in my face.

Their faces turn to Sarutobi then. She’s not happy, but you can tell she’s flattered by my answer.

"Well, He's just a cocky selfish bastard."

"Wao! Does that mean you and the Shogun had the chance to ‘train’ together too? "Yagyuu says pointing to me.

"I'd rather prefer to hear about her practice times with the Shogun," Hijikata replies.

Sarutobi's eyes no longer hid their desire to kill me "Oh I have a much better idea why don’t I tell you about me and his dad using ropes".

"Ok. Ok. I’m letting you go too far with your imagination. There were certain limits, schedules and rules that we had to respect, most exchanges were mere hints and provocations, mere distractions to use during a fight, but we were expected to practice with our peers of the same year until we found our own strategy to use in the field. And she’s telling the truth too, most of our classmates picked cooking, tea ceremonies and playing instruments for their exams. Mine was with the Shakuhachi and I bloody hate that thing. Teachers were there with us, too,” I say that part looking to Sarutobi’s eyes. See. I can be mature and respectful about that part “They were accessible to answer all our questions and even solve a couple of practical questions. I guess after having to answer what is the best technique to suffocate a man twice your size? And what is the proper concentration of poison to stun a horse or to kill a guard dog? Asking for the right technique to generate pleasure did not blush anyone and rather it was a relief for everyone. " 

I can see Sarutobi is still not pleased with my story, but she’s a bit less mortified by it and the more important part, she will spare my life at least until there won’t be witness.

"Where was the trap?" Hijikata asks.

"Exactly my point. It was a trap. Until today I wonder if their plan was an strategy A. to make us more manageable or B. to reduce our numbers. A handful of selfish teenagers trained as some of the best assassins, of course they needed to put on a short leash around our necks to be able to pull from it at their will or choke us if they feel like it. Tsukuyo’s teacher Jiraira was completely against the third year pensum for example, he found it degrading and pointless. He wasn't a teacher to us back then, but I read all his applications to modify the program. He went as far as to suggest we should be removed for good of our dirty desires in order to prevent our reproduction and rebellious desires instead of wasting a full year of training on them.”

“I never gave a second thought about it,” says Sarutobi absent minded “ but I think you might be right. Tsukuyo’s scars and her speech about ‘ I left behind my womanhood’ were exactly the opposite version of our third year exams."

"Of course after the initial euphoria and hyper-motivation the dramas started to explode. Scenes of jealousy in the middle of a practice, unnecessary injuries during missions, many tears, infections and even a couple of unwanted pregnancies.

"None of mine, just for the record," declares Sarutobi. 

"Or mine, either." I raise my hands up. "With a premeditated cruelty, our teachers let us feel upon our own skins the effectiveness of the weapon they told us about. No mission decimated our group so much, but by the end of that year, those of us who were left felt ... excessively confident in our abilities. Invincible. The options were clear and there were only two. To be professionals or to be victims of our instincts. "

"What did you choose?" asks Yagyuu

"Of course he chose to be a professional, Can’t you smell all the professionalism that my boss distils?. I was the one who fell in love like a lovestruck pig for Gintoki. "Sarutobi gets up from the table and turns to look out the window behind her. She’s thinking again about the Yorozuya.

"And you really did it? From the very beginning? "I know I'm betting on my luck with that question, but if ever I'll hear an honest answer it's now.

"What do you mean by that?" Sarutobi turns to me with her arms crossed. Marishiten. It’s too late to withdraw now.

"Think about it. A samurai with his skills but out of nowhere, with clear links with the Joui, with the Kiheitai, how long it took him to destabilize the betting monopoly, an Amanto sect, or the status quo in Yoshiwara. If I had been in charge of the Oniwabanshu at that time. I had needed to mark him as a subject of interest and I would have had to watch him as closely as possible. "

"The Shinsengumi had orders to watch him, closely," says Hijikata.

"That's not how things happened," Sarutobi says looking at Hijikata first and then at Yagyuu with one hand upon her chest and the other extended upward showing her open palm. "I was not watching Gintoki. I met him by mere chance while trying to escape from a mission that went very wrong. Of course at first I thought about manipulating him and using him in my favor as we would have done with any other target, but you all do know him. He was much, much better than that, he offered me his help, his support and his friendship things that I didn’t know existed at all back then.” She says the last part looking at me as if she wanted to strike me down.

"So you really fucked it up with her, then?" Hijikata says looking at me.

"Which of the two will continue the story?" Yagyuu says, maybe a little bit too excited.

"There is no story about us to tell. Hattori was bored and he felt invincible, so he decided why to care if I'm better on my own so he decided to leave everything and everyone behind. He ended up selling his skills to the highest bidder. End of the story, "Sarutobi returns to take a seat slightly turned towards Yagyuu.

"Without wishing to ruin your summarized version of the events, Sarutobi, but leave on his own and sell his skills… Won’t that be considered high treason? You didn’t have jobs that accepted that kind of resignation" Hijikata asks.

"At first his father was the head of what was left of the Oniwabanshu so he hid and excused the absence of his son the best he could. I even found contra-intelligence Amanto informs on his expedient by the time I was… by the time I wasn’t left as the head of the non existing Oniwabanshu. Besides when I spoke with the Shogun about it. It was clear he did not have the heart to request for the head of an old friend. He simply was not that kind of man, " Sarutobi answers quickly.

I look at her. Does she know the truth? Only one way to know it now. "Sarutobi is right at a certain level. I was too young and too stupid two things that use to come together. As I said, I was feeling invincible at the moment. So what is the first thing an idiot does when he feels invincible? "

"You fell in love," says Yagyuu smiling at me.

"I didn’t. Or I wouldn't call it falling in love,” I'm not sure what I felt back then might be called love. I was more excited about the action manga back then to truly grasp on the moral values of the Jump. Friendship, effort and victory. Maybe I was too focused on the last two, maybe I was nothing, but a loser back then. “Have you ever seen how a child craves the toy that another child plays with? Let's say I committed treason. High treason not against the country, but against a friend and not when I left, but before that. The Shogun, Shige Shige had spent too much time with us and yes with me. And if you had known him as well as I did. For Marishiten that with only one look you had noticed how much he loved her." I say raising my cup towards Sarutobi.

"That's not true," Sarutobi responds, lowering hers upon the table and looking at me with her intense violet eyes.

"Love can be like that for some people, Sarutobi. The most scary thing they have to face. Paralyzing and contemplative. Not all lovers are venting their desire to the four winds like you do. In the midst of lust we were raised, it was enough for him to be in the same room with you, no matter how ridiculous or unworthy of circumstances. Didn’t you notice. The imperial gardens always bloomed with Ayames instead of Chrysanthemums? Didn’t you notice his personal delight for monkeys? Didn’t you notice how all the stupid jokes about monkeys being stupid animals stopped once he gifted one to his sister? Didn’t you notice his craving for tea in the middle of the night violating his own security guard? How many nights were you by his side watching his back because of that nasty habit of his? How many nights did you recommended him to stop doing it? And let's not talk about when Gintoki appeared in your life. He took the trouble to meet him in person, right? Such a dangerous and troublesome character, yet he had to know him with his own eyes. Didn’t you notice he took another unusual and dangerous craving to see the world outside his palace then? Cabaret hostess clubs, barber shops, public pools. I heard the Shinsengumi was barely able to keep him on track a few times." When Sarutobi is unable to hold my gaze I pause and look at the faces of surprise and disbelief of Hijikata and Yagyuu.

"All right. Where was I ? "I say, taking in a full gulp the remaining liquor in my cup gathering the courage I need to finish my story. "I guess I was intrigued to see or feel what he saw in her. For me it was just a game. I just wanted to try my new skills of Don Juan. Who might be better to test them, than the most immune person to my charms, than the most dangerous person to courtship. It’s not a challenge if it’s is not challenging. "

"We are no longer talking about ‘training’ right?" Yagyuu asks Sarutobi.

"Of course I seduced her," I answer before Sarutobi can answer on her own, her eyes are begging me to stop. "She resisted, she doubted my intentions, but at the end… those violet eyes looked at me as if I were the center of her world. You think she had it bad for Gintoki. You should have seen her back then. She was in love with me, just as I had planned it from the beginning." The pain and hurt I can see in Sarutobi's face takes me by surprise. I know it is horrible, I know I promise her to never make her cry again, but It feels good to know the Yorozuya isn’t the only one able to hurt her, like that. Maybe there is a sadist in me after all. The sightly difference being the Silver Samurai is still the guy she admires the most in the entire universe and I’m the scumbag that doesn’t deserve anything from her.

"One day is simply a day like any other, until it isn’t like that any more. You get up like every day and you have no expectation of what the rest of the day will be like. It's just another boring day in one of the weeks in which the Jump is on hold, in which the adults don’t have stupid missions for the half-haired apprentices.

And suddenly there is the Shogun in a hallway and he knows what you did and why you did it. And he finds it repulsive and offensive. So he gives you an ultimatum and you think he's kidding and jealous of your skills except he's above your childish behaviour and he’s not the kind of person who jokes about things. All of our actions have consequences and my actions sent me on a solitary mission to do anti-intelligence Amanto for three years. Do you want to hear the funny part? The actions of the Yorozuya were the ones that allowed me to come back, but by then she was in love with him."

Sarutobi simply breaks eye contact with me and leaves the building by jumping through the window to a nearby rooftop.

I stood up to follow her, but the katana of Hijikata pressed at my stomach stops me.

“Let her rest. She had enough of you for today.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't avoid another person forever... but you can try and do a very decent job for the rest of your life.

"I really do not know. I have no idea if it was another mistake to add to my long list or the gesture of minimal decency I owed her. I know that in order to protect her, you would have preferred I’ve kept my mouth shut, but it wasn’t fair. Even if you did your part of the bargain and she never learned of my stupid behavior from you. I couldn’t do the same."

It's night and I'm visiting the grave of an old friend. One that even now I can not call only by his name.

It is a large monument in gray marble with stairs and small incense holders in the corners. I can see that someone decided to plant some Ayames not so far away. There are offerings that look fresh and prayers and good wishes written on the pillars.

 

"Maybe it's better that way, with no secrets to keep for either of us. I know it may seem like it does not make any difference anymore, but she has to know how you really felt about her. "

I light an incense stick that starts to burn and share its fragrant aroma. This is the third tomb I’ve visited on this day.

"I think that lightens the burden of this sinner. No one is going to miss me here anymore. "

"So you're leaving again. I do not know why I'm surprised. "

I have to admit that it takes me by surprise to hear Sarutobi's voice and a couple of additional seconds to find that she is sitting at the back of the monument. Did she follow me here or did she come to pay her own respects?

"I wasn’t following you, but it was strange that the stalker of the last two weeks stopped following me so suddenly. So it occurred to me that it was the right time to come see him. "

Now I can see her. Her back is lying on the back of the tombstone and she is hugging her own legs. Although she is hidden in the shadow of the tombstone I can see she has been crying.

She is right to call me an stalker. For the last two weeks I have followed her everywhere. From the house of the Yaguuy to that of the Gorillas. To resolve cases of missing animals with the Yorozuya's children to apply for a vacancy as a permanent nurse in the General Hospital. At first I told myself it was to make sure she was fine. But I always knew that. Sarutobi is not the type of woman who stays with crossed arms and she would be fine now more than ever as she has a large number of friends who are there for her.

"Sarutobi. I owe you an apology, but you did not seem interested in listening to me. "

She sighs and closes her eyes.

"No one should have to apologize for not matching someone else's romantic feelings."

"You know very well that what I did was far beyond not corresponding. I…"

"I came here to apologize to him," she interrupts me. Clearly her first sentence about not having to apologize wasn’t about my behavior. She is not ready to listen to me yet. So what I do is sit next to her. She continues then. "I came to tell him that it never occurred to me, that he should have had the courage to tell me. But I did know it and it occurred to me, it's just that at the same time it was so absurd. So ridiculous. I simply could not see him in that way and I thought that if I pretended to ignore what it was happening, then everything would be easier and eventually he would notice someone else and we could pretend that it never happened. "

"Did you know?" I ask, not without some incredulity in my voice.

"I was afraid of it," she replies. "How was I supposed to have said no to the only man in the city you couldn’t say no. His uncle never had any problem taking the wives and daughters of the other daimios or requesting the finest prostitutes of Yoshiwara to warm his bed and those of his trusted officers. But he knew it too and he wasn’t that kind of man. He never told me, not because he lacked the courage, but because he knew that asking was exactly the same thing as leaving me without options. And so without saying it. It’s how he really told me. And I had no idea that someone else knew about it and you had no right to say it in front of Kyuu-chan and Toushi "

"Sorry. It was stupid of me. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I owe you an apology, I owe you and him an apology. "

Sarutobi with her eyes and a slight tilt of her head points to the tombstone of the Shogun Shige Shige behind us.

I take her cue. "Sorry. I offer my apologies. I had no right to reveal or put words that you never said in your mouth. It is unfair to expose you like this when you can’t defend or explain your actions. That was very unprofessional on my behalf and a yet another proof that I was never a friend worthy of your trust. "

"But you were. There's nothing you would not have done to protect him, to settle your debt with him. "Sarutobi's voice is a little more serious, yet sweeter. "At least there is no one who can get hurt with that story," she says it and I know she's lying because I can clearly see that I hurt her. I know very well that I am not the only one who regrets the death of our friends, that I am not the only one tormented with the idea of other possible outcomes if only our past actions had been slightly different.

"In a way it was a relief," she continues with her narrative. "To understand that you did care about your father and the Oniwabanshu and Edo city. You've never been a traitor, it's just not in your nature to fall in love. I still do not know if you are a wretch or a lucky man for not having that weakness in your character. "

"Sarutobi, I owe you an apology," I say, placing myself in seiza in front of her. "But the other day I did not finish my story."

"What was I missing ?. That you managed to see what he saw in me, but that it was too late? That suddenly and out of nowhere you believe love is a wonderful feeling? Zenzou You have to stop blaming yourself for his death or for what he did not manage to do in life. You can’t be Soyo's older brother or become the boyfriend of my dreams. None of those things is going to bring him back to life. "

Again Sarutobi leaves me speechless. She knows it too. Or perhaps as she said before. She fears it. And I'm the idiot who thought a statement was enough to … set things right. Of course! This is what love does to you. It makes you an idiot a complete imbecile waiting for miraculous events. I suppose I have read too many romantic comedies and reality is very different especially when they do not return your feelings.

"So basically if I stay quiet now, I get a free pass to Ayame Sarutobi's friends area?" I ask and she nods avoiding to make eye contact and biting her lower lip.

"Just as clarification. Is the area of friends with benefits you know the one with occasional kisses and sex or the regular one because you already gave that vacancy to the Demonic vice-commander or was it to the Samurai girl. " I know I sound like a cretin, but I want to sound exactly like a cretin.

She looks at me defiantly. She knows exactly how angry I am "I see you've already packed," she says in a calm tone, pointing to the backpack I carry across my back. "So I do not think you're going to have the time to find out."

Instinctively her body has leaned forward and her arms and legs are ready to form an attack kamae and throw me a dozen of sharp kunais. She is upset, very upset with me too. Enough to physically attack me and / or bury something into my ass.

The image makes me smile and my laugh somehow makes her smile too and we both know we lost it. I'm an idiot, we're a couple of idiots. I sit back against the tombstone. She also rests her back against the gravestone and we remain silent for a few minutes chuckling and wondering if this is how things are going to end up between us. 

At least that’s what it is on my mind. She’s the only unresolved business for me in this city, the only reason I stayed so far. One last job said the Samurai and I said why not, but in reality all I wanted was an excuse to take her with me, to see the world, to start over together as I used to fantasise when I was working for the Amanto cult. A stupid dream of a fool I can see it now. She needs space, but not from her love for Gintoki or from her friends, but from me and I’m so scared of her hate or it is of her indifference that I have no more choice, but to leave her.

She is the one who breaks the silence.

"What do you want to hear that you don’t know by now. Zenzou What do you want to hear that you have not known since then? I will always miss you and by your will or against it you will always find a reason to leave," her voice is sad and resigned.

I lean towards her. Her hair is so soft, the skin of her chin is cold. I can see the salt road that her tears have left on her cheeks. This is not how I want things to end between us. I want to see her smile, I want to hear hope and joy in her voice to see her married with the Yorozuya might been a much better end. I bring my face to her face until our noses rub lightly and the frame of her glasses digs into my forehead.

"What do you think you’re doing?" She asks me placing her hand upon my hand that is on her face but not trying to withdraw it or withdraw her face from mine.

"Risking everything," I answer before joining the small distance that separates our lips.  
It is a question, not an imposition. Her lips open slightly and her body leans and turns towards mine. It's the answer I needed. The one that sends small electric shocks through my whole body. We kissed and she corresponds to me at first with shyness. She is still angry and her lips are responsible for letting me know. She is not going to give me full access to her mouth. I must apologize, beg. She bites my lower lip but not hard enough just enough to challenge me and provoke me. I imitate her and I get a groan as a reward.

"You're not playing fair," she murmurs against my lips without completely breaking the kiss.

"You either," I answer.

When we parted she leaves her eyes closed. I can see in the expression on her face that she is afraid to open them.

"No matter what I do now. I feel so stupid, Zenzou," she begins to tell me. "Before. I used to believe that I could trust my instincts, follow my heart and that it would eventually take me somewhere, but now I find myself doubting the smallest decisions. To walk or to take the bus, to pick up my hair or to leave it loose, to run to look for you or to pretend that I can be angry with you forever, to visit the new married couple and give them my congratulations or to avoid them forever. " When she opens her eyes a couple of new tears roll down her cheeks. "I no longer know if I have the self-destructive class of instincts or an atrophied heart, if I have to do what I want and I think is the right thing to do or exactly the opposite. If I have to call what I felt for Gintoki a whim and what I felt for you a mistake... " She wipes her tears with her own hands. Taking a deep breath continues. "I don’t know how to keep going. I have so many mixed feelings that I feel drunk and dizzy all the time and all I want to do is to stop feeling like that, to stop feeling completely would be the most wonderful thing that could happen to me and it's probably the last thing I should tell you, but that's how I feel and really this confusion and this doubts are the only things I can offer you at this moment. "

"This scares me too, Ayame. I also wonder if you and me together is a good idea or a masochist impulse I developed as a curse for disappointing everyone I cared about. I wonder about the right distance we should keep. Should I give you enough space to go out with someone else and let that someone else the fear of turning into a complete disappointment to your eyes in comparison with your beloved silver Samurai. Who will be my rival now: Yagyuu, Hijikata, a doctor at the Hospital? Should I accept that you are the closest thing I have to a sister and to start to see you as one? Should I send you postcards from the other side of the universe waiting for you to read them and that you don’t hate me so much and that you will eventually write me a letter in which you will include the photographs of my nephews inviting me to meet you by Christmas? Or should I just keep pretending that I do not care because it hurts less and if by some chance our paths cross again simply you will pretend you do not remember my name or that we ever met? "

"Red dragonfly  
break off its wings  
Sour cherry, " Ayame says caressing my chin and looking at my eyes and then at my mouth. At first I do not understand what the hell she's talking about I only want to kiss her again, but when I’m about to indulge into my desire for her lips It hits me. It is a known haiku of a subject called Kika something, a disciple of another dudet who, having everything, preferred to become a vagabond. Ok not the relevant part. Damn, she was always better than me in the poetry classes, but I remember the point of this poem. It is one of the few that I liked because it's indeed very simple. It’s the old dilemma of the glass being half full or half empty. How we see the world that is before our eyes, finished and broken or in front of a new beginning and a new life is always completely up to us.

"No, you’re making it wrong, you just killed the dragonfly.” I begin to say, I’m bad with poetry but to remember this one I only need to change the order of the sentences of her haiku.  
“Say instead:   
Sour cherry,  
Add some wings  
Red dragonfly.”

She’s the one kissing me now and throwing her arms around my neck. The path we have ahead is not going to be easy, for any of us, but I’m sure it’s going to be worth the travel.


End file.
